I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
