I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
