Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
