I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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