We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
pop tarts are not kleenex
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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