She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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