I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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