dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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