Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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