Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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