Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
