i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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