I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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