the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
