I am puke
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
