Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
