My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
