At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
