someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
