That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
