Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
