i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
