you guys were way drunker than both of me
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
