did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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