so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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