Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
