yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
