it wasn't lemon gatorade
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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