I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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