She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
