On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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