is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
