sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
