I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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