just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
