i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
