I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
