By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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