Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
