You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
40s are totally the cure
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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