You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
