note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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