If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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