why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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