In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
