I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
