i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
