pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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