i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
