Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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