wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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