Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
